I'm a recovering perfectionist.
I have wanted to deliver perfect rather than anything at all for a long time. I want everything in my house in the right place all the time from the second someone finishes using it. If there's a flaw, I'll see it. My family tell me it's one of my more endearing traits…or not. When it comes to real life though, I've had to learn that nothing's perfect. Or, if we think it is, it's probably because our blind spots hide the flaws.
There is a wide range of reasons why people might be driven towards trying to attain perfection: cultural and societal expectations, low personal self-esteem, fear of failure, past experiences, anxiety disorders, drive to achieve, high level of motivation, attentiveness, and more. Regardless of how we get there, it's quite common to set standards which are unattainable in real life. However, when it comes to expectations on friends, colleagues, marriages or relationships of any description, expectations have serious consequences.
If we approach our relationships with the idea that they will be perfect, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Perfectionism creates unrealistic expectations which leads to disappointment and dissatisfaction because no one can meet them, even ourselves. The perfectionist may feel constantly let down, resulting in tension and stress, and causing us to be overly critical of others and ourselves.
But now let's turn our attention inwards a little bit. Even if we're not talking about trying to be perfect, let's ask ourselves — have we always lived up to our own expectations of ourselves? Have we met every goal we set for ourselves? Did we achieve every New Year's resolution we set? If you're anything like me the answer is no.
Perfectionism is an extreme, isn't it? Exploring the extreme is helpful if only to showcase the burden any expectation places on a relationship. The truth is regardless of whether our expectations are extreme, high, or even just what we might consider 'normal', they become the standards we anticipate. And they might not be attainable. In fact, in a complex world, more connected than ever, the sheer number of expectations on us has increased, arguably, to unachievable levels. We simply can't live up to them all…and that has to be ok.
In a previous role I was negotiating to sign a significant lease. It was coming down to some back and forward on pricing and terms when suddenly the salesperson stopped responding or taking my calls. With some internal pressure, I grew increasingly frustrated. Two weeks later I finally got through to her and blew up in frustration, explaining how unacceptable her lack of response had been. She graciously heard my frustrations, and then explained her father had passed away…needless to say, I was humbled.
The expectation I placed on the relationship was, in the present complexity of her life, unattainable. Yes, perhaps the organisation should have stepped in, but in terms of our individual working relationship, the expectation couldn't be met. However, her grace towards my anger and my humility in the way I behaved allowed us to continue working together. And talking about it helped us reset expectations.
Regardless of what standard the expectation is, the truth is unless we apply both humility and grace to our relationships we are going to be disappointed. Humility is self-compassion in this regard — it allows us to adopt a posture that is comfortable with making mistakes. Grace is extending the same compassion to others, covering over the knowledge that, like us, our friends, colleagues and partners will at times not live up to our expectations.
This can hurt. Sometimes it might be accidental and sometimes it might even be intentional. Regardless, if we're wanting to develop more resilient relationships, sometimes this is ok. This is not about allowing constant personal violations, verbal abuse, invasion of time, belittlement or anything worse — but it is a posture that allows unmet expectations to be overlooked. Humility and grace allow relationships to flourish when expectations haven't been met, and we need both on a daily basis.
