So, what should we expect out of a relationship?
In the previous post we discussed how expectations affect relationships — which is to say that people can't live up to, or have people live up to, all our expectations. Which begs the question: if perfect isn't possible, then what is an appropriate expectation?
There are probably far better people than I suited to answering that question, but in short it seems such a nuanced question that it's probably not possible to answer it outside of the context of a specific relationship. Except that without investing time and in discussion with the person to whom your relating expectations are complex — which is why relationships, once they're established, are valuable in themselves as per our first post in this series.
However, one concept I've found freeing to apply to many aspects of life, not least of which is relationships, is Stephen Covey's concept of the Circle of Concern and the Circle of Influence from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
The circles of concern and influence are concentric circles. Our circle of influence is generally smaller than and exists within our circle of concern. Within each circle are the things we are either concerned about or actually have the influence to change. Intuitively it paints a picture of the list of things we can actually influence for change, being smaller than the list of things we could be concerned about. I can be concerned about climate change, but currently in life I can only influence things like what I do with my rubbish, the type of car I drive, where I get my electricity from, how I use my vote. I can advocate for change at the UN level — that might be in my circle of concern — but it's not within my circle of influence.
When we focus on things that exist within our circle of concern, we are focusing on things which we have no ability to change but which cause us concern. This causes us to grow in worry and frustration without the hope of reprieve. For our own personal wellbeing and corporate citizenship, there is a need to come to terms with what's in my circle of influence and what's in my circle of concern.
Why is this helpful within the context of friendship or relationships? Because it helps us with expectations. Surely we realise that I am not my friend, or work colleague, and they are not me. We have to be comfortable understanding who they are, and who we are.
We're walking a fine line here, but let's crisp it up with this question. At the end of the day, can I decide what my work colleague should think? Can I decide what my friend should think? No. Does that mean I have zero influence over them? No. But I don't have total influence over them. I can express opinion, challenge, debate, discuss — but ultimately, they have to decide. Their point of decision is in my circle of concern, not my circle of influence.
Here's a common hypothetical: I might have one political opinion, which I can share and express with others. My friend might have a different one. I'm not responsible for their choices and they aren't responsible for mine. Each of us can make our own decisions with a limited level of influence from each other, and we have to be comfortable with that. This changes conversations from win/lose to share/understand.
Naturally, this is unsatisfying — it doesn't actually deliver an answer to what we can expect, and it poses more questions. We'll discuss those next time, and spoiler alert: show how differences are actually fantastic. But in the meantime, we can de-escalate the tension in our conversations and discussions simply by being aware of what I can control and what I can't, where I can influence and where I can't.
