When you sign up to parent young children, you're signing up to live constantly amazed by what you take for granted.
One of my children came to me and proudly told me "I did poos!", to which I said, "you did what?" See, I hadn't taught this child what toilet paper was; and they were telling me this at the bottom of the stairs; and the toilet was at the top of the stairs; and they had no pants on; and the only way they knew how to get down the stairs was by sliding down them on their bottom; and my wife was out for the night; and I was really looking forward to getting the kids in bed and having a relaxing night in. And instead I spent the rest of the night cleaning the stairs…
Evidently, using toilet paper is not something you can take for granted.
"You did what?" is our natural response when you expect one thing and get another thing. I call it the Expectation Gap — simply put, when you expect A, and someone produces B, there is a gap that is created between A and B. This happens all the time, not just with children but with colleagues, family, friends, dogs... Not only should it not surprise you when it happens, you should expect it on a daily basis. When it comes to our ability to communicate we shouldn't wrestle with whether this will happen to us, but rather what we intend to do when it does. And in my experience, very few people have considered this.
The real challenge is that when any gap is created we rush to fill it. Unfortunately, human nature rushes to fill the gap with our suspicious thoughts and assumptions. We very rarely give people the benefit of the doubt, instead we're quick to assume the worst about their intentions. There are many psychological principles at play in this process, but one of them is called the Attribution Error — we attribute your mistakes to your deep character failings that you should be able to control, and my mistake to circumstances outside of my responsibility. I might have been late simply because the traffic was bad, but you were definitely late because you're a lazy person who doesn't respect my meetings.
Have you ever laid paving stones in and around your house? I'm the ultimate DIY guy, fantastic at it, really exceptional. So much so, that the first (and last) time I ever tried laying some paving stones I ended up in hospital having an emergency operation. When you're as skilled as I am in the DIY department you can find a way to botch nearly any project you put your mind to. Anyway, as a recovering perfectionist I can't handle having the little weeds grow up in the gaps once you've laid the stones. It's infuriating.
Why's that relevant? Because when these expectation gaps are created in our lives, it's like having relational cracks between yourself and someone else. It's a breeding spot for weeds, and it has a massive impact on our ability to communicate well.
Do you remember the last time you went into a conversation pre-loaded with all of your arguments and frustrations politely pushed down just beneath the surface? This primes us for poor communication — we're ready to speak, or yell, never listen. We have pre-determined conclusions and we know what we want the outcome to be. It makes us unable to listen. Sure we might engage in the act of hearing, but we're not listening — we're already preparing to say the next thing we want to declare. Or, if by some miracle we do hear what someone is saying to us, we're listening through the lens of an assumed character flaw that we've already decided the other person has.
This is a show stopper for effective communication and, going right back to the first thought on communication, it significantly reduces our ability to engage with others. We have to figure out what to do with Expectation Gaps and how we close them, if we're going to be effective communicators. The key to closing them is a conversation — a very important one. So here are four steps that I use.
Before you have a conversation with someone, ask yourself: "Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do what this person has done?" This is a question I got from Crucial Conversations (Patterson et al.) and it's great. Regardless of whether the answer you come up with is correct or not, it forces you to consider the humanity at the other end of the conversation. Only when you can answer this question are you really primed for an effective conversation with someone. It primes you to engage your curiosity in the conversation, to listen for the purpose of understanding if your answer was right or not. And regardless of your answer, in engaging in the conversation with curiosity you'll end up uncovering the actual problem in a very natural way.
When you're in the conversation, define the behaviour, not the intent: "I noticed that you were late to the meeting" — not "you don't respect my meetings." By defining the behaviour you are giving concrete examples of what could change, and what you actually noticed. You aren't burdening the conversation and the individual with unnecessary emotion or side-tracking the conversation by causing someone to want to defend their intents.
Build the conversation on your curiosity: "I noticed you were late to the meeting. I was wondering why — is everything ok?" Not only have you given the opportunity for someone to speak, but you've opened up the issue and shown your care for someone in one sentence. The genuine nature of your underlying curiosity will help you find the real reason for the gap, and open up the opportunity for a genuine conversation.
If none of the above has flushed anything out, then this is a great opportunity to clarify what your expectations are in the first place. Being clear now will set your future up for a win.
These gaps will get created all over the place. But the more we let them stay, the harder it becomes to wade through the weeds that have grown up between us. It's crucial that we recognise these gaps, and while it's uncomfortable, our future effectiveness — and relational peace — rests on being able to close them with an effective conversation.
