What is emotional intelligence?

We recently got a dog. It turns out they don't come fully trained. In fact, they come in the form of a puppy. It would be nice to be able to purchase the cuteness of a puppy but the maturity of a trained dog. Maybe we just missed the upgrade package.

Tahi, our 8-week-old puppy, can sleep through the night (which is a miracle in itself). But, it turns out, he has no idea how to hold his bladder during the day. I'm not even sure he knows it's coming. One moment you're happy playing with him, the next we're running for the paper towels…again. He's a peeing machine.

Last time I pointed out that emotions move us, but there are some emotions that just aren't that healthy to act on in the moment. Or at least that's what I'm trying to teach our dog. We can also see this in our children — "Have feeling must act" seems to be my children's motto. There is a balance here, but starting from extremes can at least show us we all need to mature in how we handle our emotions.

This maturity in how we respond to emotions has been given a label — it's called Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence (EI), or Emotional Quotient (EQ) as it's also referred. Its intellectual counterpart, Intellectual Quotient (IQ), is better understood as a reflection of intellectual capacity. EI is a similar concept for our emotions.

In their book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Bradberry and Greaves show EI is strongly associated with leadership, wellbeing and even success in career and life. At its core it can be defined as "the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others." Their model is a simple and really helpful way of being able to understand EI, built around four categories: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.

Self-awareness is the first step to emotional intelligence and, in fact, to personal development. To be aware of yourself and able to reflect on that with humility is to be aware of the potential for growth. Some people are too hard on themselves, others don't take the time to reflect on themselves at all — neither are helpful. Being able to be aware of yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, what triggers your emotions, or even just how you feel in the moment is the first step to your ability to grow and develop in any area, and especially emotional intelligence.

Self-management is the one that has a stigma attached. It's often heard through the lens of 'shut down my emotions and stop feeling'. Self-management is not just about suppression. Sure, when my dog frustrates me and I want to throw it out the door I should suppress that, but self-management is more. This is about being able to regulate your emotions and giving yourself the opportunity to choose how you respond. Rather than being dictated to by your emotions, this is about using them constructively to achieve what you deem important.

Social awareness is the ability to read others' emotional states and become aware of them. Social awareness is the start of being able to see things from other people's perspectives. We can only really engage with diverse opinions or worldviews when we're able to see and feel things from another person's perspective. As such, social awareness is the bedrock of developing diversity and rich relationships.

Relationship management — the ability to develop a functionally working and mutually beneficial relationship with others — feels like a lost cause in society today, especially in environments where emotions are charged or issues are contentious. Applying your awareness of your own emotions and others' emotions into the process of developing relationships is more crucial now than it ever has been before.

The book I've referenced, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, is a great tool which lists out many activities you can apply to develop in any of the above four areas. Just make sure you don't try them all at once — pick a single area and see how you go over a month.

Now that we understand emotions are good, they have a purpose, and they provide a richness in relationship with others — what's the problem? Well, if you're anything like me and my dog, you've got personal examples of when your own emotions have let you down. It's worth acknowledging emotions have pitfalls, and we'll explore those next time.